Jill Martin
I was lying on a stiff hospital bed. The ultrasound tech turned to me and said, “How many pregnancies have you had including this one?”
I had to stop and think...and count. In that moment, it occurred to me that it was strange that I couldn’t just rattle off the number. I had to count.
“Six,” I said.
Then she said, “Do you have five children at home then?” My answer was yes but I knew what she was asking.
“Two,” I said.
I have two healthy, beautiful daughters I get to wake up to every day. My story as a mother is about getting to watch them grow up. I get to experience things like the first day of school, the first tooth lost, the first time they ride a bike, all of those amazing milestones.
But, my story is also about miscarriage. My husband and I have experienced three miscarriages...three losses. All three were different in nature, and as far as we can tell, all three were unrelated in cause. We know the first miscarriage was a baby boy. We named him Thomas Howard after my husband and his grandfather. We never got to meet him, but we continue loving him as if he were here. We don’t know if the next two miscarriages were boys or girls. We do know that each experience was a loss.
It has taken me a few years, but I am finally to the point where I can talk about our experiences. What I have found, though, is that society has a difficult time with the topic of miscarriage. Death in general is difficult, and I understand that. No one wants to talk about it, but it is a part of life. What I have found, though, is that the more I talk to friends, family and acquittances about miscarriage, the more I find that it is actually fairly common. A lot of people have endured the loss. It is a very real part of life, but people do not talk about it. It’s an emotional topic, and I don’t think people know what to say about it.
As we were going through our first miscarriage, I felt the love and support of friends and family. But, I also felt lonely in the experience itself. As time has gone by, I have realized that we weren’t alone. It was just that the conversation with other parents who have gone through similar experiences was missing. It is difficult to know what to say when someone is going through such a loss.
We have three babies that we will someday meet again, but we celebrate the two babies and one on-the-way that we get to cherish each and every day.
In this pregnancy, I have embraced each stage, good or bad, because I know what the alternative is. I cherish each flutter I feel, no matter how light it is. I do my best not to complain about pregnancy symptoms. It means we are on the right track. As strange as it sounds, I have days where I worry that I don’t feel pregnant enough.
I can’t wait to meet our sixth baby. Like our other five, he or she will be loved greatly.
For those couples who have endured loss through a miscarriage, I am sorry for your pain. I will not say that I know what you are going through, because I don’t. Each person’s experience is different. What I will say is that you are not alone. There are a lot of us out there. It’s just that a lot of us don’t know how to or don’t want to talk about this difficult part of life.
For any loss that you suffer, I wish you peace and understanding as you grieve and heal. Please remember you are not alone.
