Paul Fischer

    "There at the table, dealing stud, was the dirty mangy dog that named me Sue." - Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
     "I'm as free as a bird now, and this bird you cannot change." - Lynyrd Skynyrd, "Freebird"
     "Jeremiah was a bullfrog. He was a good friend of mine." -Three Dog Night, "Joy to the World"
     "I Am the Walrus," -The Beatles....um, "I Am the Walrus"
     If you think about it, our personalities are quite similar to that of animals. There's a reason why the English language is filled with put-downs that feature unfavorable anatomical references to creatures less fair than ourselves.*
     For most of us, there was probably a time in Kindergarten when the teacher asked us what kind of animal we wanted to be, and we would reply with whichever we thought was the coolest. If you wanted to be tall, you probably said you wanted to be a giraffe. If you wanted black and white stripes, you opted for the zebra.
     The truth is, we all exhibit certain traits that can be compared to animal behaviors. Allow me to give you a brief tour of those traits, followed by personal choice for the best animal you can possibly emulate. Believe it or not, you can actually live your life like one of these creatures.
     Birds-They're small, they come in tons of colors, and they get to see more of the world than any other creature on earth. Unfortunately, it seems they don't know how to stay still for more than a few moments at a time. They restlessly fly from tree to tree all day long.
     As a human being, don't try to fly too high, and try not to fly too much. Your happiness should not be dictated by where you are presently. Try to make the best of what you've got.
     Squirrels-These things are just plain crazy, as if they drink nothing but coffee all day long. As soon as you get close to them, they look up, and their crack-addict eyeballs wait for you to move one more inch before they scurry up the nearest tree.
     You may be the same-high-strung, always anxious, paranoid of what the electric bill's going to say, timid around others. I've never become friends with a squirrel, because they also run away and I'm left wondering, "What's the matter with you?" Humans naturally enjoy the company of those who are approachable and calm. So don't be like a squirrel. 'Nuff said.
     Dogs-My pet of choice, they're plenty of fun, usually eager to go on a walk or play fetch. But still, they can be overbearing, jumping into your lap and slobbering all over your face when that's the last thing you want them to do. Choose this personality and people will certainly like you, but proceed with caution.
     Cats-Fun to pet. Fun to look at. Inherently selfish. That's right, I said it. From my experiences, they like to crawl into my lap so I can scratch their ears. Then they promptly hurry off to do whatever they want to do. Do this to other people and you'll get cold shoulders pretty stinkin' quick. Unless you're beautiful, which I guess explains our national fascination with Paris Hilton.
     Porcupines-If they feel threatened, you're gonna feel the sting, baby. They've got quite the defense mechanism, don't they? I wouldn't recommend adopting it for human interaction. When you have a problem with somebody, violence usually doesn't bring about a good resolution. We males need to be especially careful, since this is the method of choice during our formative years.
     The grand prize, however, goes to...
     Turtles-Restore your eyebrows to their normal position and let me explain. My favorite animal, the turtle takes its sweet time to get to where it's going, if it's going anywhere at all. Seemingly carefree, it crawls about with little regard to the destination of its mysterious trek. And if something harmful approaches and tries to give it hell, the turtle simply curls up into its shell and waits for it to leave: "You can leave whenever you feel like it. How d'ya like them apples?"
     I would advise that you do the same. Take one day of your life at a time, or don't even "take" at all. Try going for a walk sometime with no plan for where you'll end up or how long you'll be gone. Make a list of things you constantly worry about, and decide which ones are completely irrational or petty. Be the turtle, and relax.
     If you want proof which animal is the best, statistics don't lie.
     The average lifespan of:
     A bird - 1 year**
     A squirrel - 9 years
     A dog - 12 years
     A cat - 12 years
     A porcupine - 7 years
     A turtle - 100 years
    
     *No, I am not going to give you any examples. I'm trying to keep this column clean, folks.***
    
     **With so many species out there, this estimate is based on your typical backyard birds: robins, blackbirds, etc.
    
     ***Yes, now that Theo is gone, someone must keep up the tradition of abusing the purpose of asterisks and footnotes.